Dear Wiggles

17 Jan

Dear Wiggles,

So I understand your concept.  Four to five men wear different colors and sing various age-appropriate and (very occasionally) educational original songs in bright landscapes.  Big Red Car (Toot Toot Chugga Chugga), Fruit Salad (Yummy Yummy), Hot Potato, etc.  And some not-so-original ones, like Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes (Knees and Toes).

But there is something…inappropriate in your execution.  As in, you’re grown men.  Squished into a child’s red car.  Traveling through what looks like Mario’s world.  And when you sing “yummy yummy,” you massage your breasts instead of rubbing your stomachs.  I don’t know if that’s because you’re Australian, or what, but…yuck.

I tend to kind of lean back in my chair, away from the YouTube as your videos play.  (I’m a nanny!  Shut up.)  Anyway, my friend Emma finally pointed out that part of why you’re so freaky is you kind of look and sound like live-action Teletubbies.  Which are disturbing in their own right.  Also, as she said, on Sesame Street, adults always acted like adults.  Children or animals were given the rights to over-exaggerated facial expressions and child-speak.  And as G, with years of experience in before- and after- school childcare pointed out, you might make a generation of children not properly wary of adult men who are overly friendly towards children.

You’re not even characters!  You wear different-colored shirts!  And black pants!  Like some sort of demented barbershop quartet!

Sesame street is educational, and the characters have developed personalities and very, very carefully avoid any sort of inappropriate social education.  The Muppets!  Amazing puppetry and always good for laughs.  What about Raffi?  The children’s music equivalent of Dr. Seuss?  As in, great artistic execution while supremely entertaining for both children and adults?

And now I’m officially one of those old people—“adults”—that complain that things were better and more wholesome in their day.  But let me tell you—you, Wiggles, have got to go.

No ifs, ands, or shades of yellow and red about it.

MM

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